Draw Me – A Story of His Relentless Pursuit

It has been one of those weeks that I was gradually going through a faith leak. The never-ending string of problems that kept coming my way had me worn out, overwhelmed, and even frustrated. I had dealt with certain issues some time ago, only to find them resurfacing; and then there is this other issue which I thought I’ve had it all sorted out – only to receive another text telling me something else has gone wrong. I wish there is a cave I can run to and hide *Denial Mode ON*

All the above, coupled with some other less-than-ideal situations and a few other dilemmas. I am mindful of the fact that all this stress is causing me a few more strands of grey hair – so I needed to make a conscious effort not to allow that to happen. As it is, they are already trespassing a strategic spot.

I guess I can be brutally honest with God. There is nothing I can hide from Him anyway. He sees all my brokenness, my imperfections, insecurities, struggles and all the junk going on in the inside. He obviously could also see that I was throwing myself a pity party. The whole agenda of the party was nothing but whining, complaining, grumbling... and all who attended – me, myself and I – concurred with an absolute majority that it indeed has been pitiful.

Finally, the weekend service came (online, of course). At the end of the worship song, the worship leader read Matthew 11:28 “Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” – one of those magic words that seemed to have turned the tap on... Yes, I so needed a rest! Probably the years of facing nothing but storms and encountering problems after problems (sometimes all at one go) has taken a toll on me. The mere thought of having to go through that again (or even a much reduced version of it) already had me worn out.

Pastor Bobby, who was preaching the weekend message, shared his story about how he came to Christ. It was God who drew him to Himself. Unknown to him, his first visit to a church gathering at 41A Amber Road changed his life forever. It suddenly reminded me of my own walk with God. Flashbacks of how God began to draw me to Himself just the year before my dad passed on began to play through my mind. My dad’s passing was the beginning of things going downhill for me for the next 5 years or so. I would never have made it on my own had it not been for God.

Only by His grace I am saved, through faith, in Christ alone.

It was in 2013. I was still very much into photography then. One week, I was making plans with a potential romantic interest (somewhat) for a photography outing-cum-heritage trail around Katong and Joo Chiat area. We were checking with each other on our individual schedule, so I asked if he had any other plans that Sunday. As it turned out, he is a Christian. He had no other plan that Sunday except that he had to go to church. He suggested looking for a church near where we were going and asked if I would like to join him. In the context of it being part of the complete heritage trail experience, I agreed.

We went to St Hilda’s church at 41 Ceylon Road in Katong (which, by the way, apart from the same number "41", is also in close proximity to 41A Amber Road). It was not the first time I attended church – I’ve had in the past attended mass and quite a number of church services but strangely, I felt a sense of peace this time. After service, before embarking on our heritage trail, we headed for Katong laksa. Over lunch, he went on to talk about Christianity (among others) – and for the first time, I became curious about this "Christian" God. That’s weird, because I had absolute no interest in Christianity prior to it.

Weeks later, I searched online for the nearest church to attend. Up to that point, I have never, on my own accord, attended any church. So there I was, finding myself up to something unimaginable and unexplainable.

I began to actually look forward to Sundays to attend service. The church was only less than 10 minutes’ walk from where I was staying. I had this whole idea of having to find out who God is for myself, so I did not tell anyone about that period of seeking. I would sneak into church just minutes before service started, find a corner seat at one of the last rows (ideally, nearest to the exit), and would sneak out quickly right after service ended. I am one of those “Please leave me alone and don’t bombard me with phone calls and invitations” kind of “seeker”.

Call it strange, or coincidence (but later I found that there isn’t such thing as coincidence in His Kingdom) – the Pastor preached a message that was on point to what I had been pondering in my heart. I slowly began to think there is something special about this God.

Often, roadblocks happen when we seem to be finally heading the right direction. In the midst of it, my dad was admitted into ICU so I had to fly back home to Penang. For some time, I put aside this “God thingy”, but a Christian friend who knew what was going on continued to pray fervently for my dad’s recovery. Thank God, my dad made it through. When things were more settled, I resumed seeking God.

Upon my return to Singapore, a friend invited me to join the RCIA (short for "Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults", a process for prospective converts to Catholicism) at his church, to which I agreed. The lessons took place every Tuesday evening. I had a lot of questions as I was a curious seeker. Of course, not everything has an answer and I guessed that only made sense because those questions were not the kind which humans in their finite mind could answer.

A few months into the lessons, one day I was at the pantry of my then workplace. A Partner (from a different department) asked her secretary to join Alpha (a short course for interested individuals to explore the Christian faith). I was standing at the door waiting for my turn to use the pantry. Her secretary (who is a Christian) saw me and darted the question at me instead. Very casually, she said “Ask Ashleigh lah!” At this point, I have become very curious about Christianity. To their surprise, I said, “Sure!” – almost without hesitation. The Partner kindly approached the Senior Partner of my department, who is a Christian herself, and asked if I could take some kind of “extended” lunch hour on Tuesdays to attend Alpha. That’s right – Alpha marketplace happened every Tuesday over lunchtime. So my Tuesdays became quite eventful... over lunchtime – I was attending Alpha; in the evening, after work – I was attending RCIA.

Eventually, I became more inclined towards Alpha – perhaps because the pioneer, Nicky Gumbel, who shares about the faith over a series of topics pertaining to who God is, was also a lawyer by profession before he went on to pursue theology. His sharing is systematic, clear and engaging, so it was quite easy to understand, even for someone who had no idea who Jesus is (at one point, I actually thought Jesus was a myth – that was the extent of my ignorance). I began to look forward to Tuesdays for Alpha and the group discussion that followed after every lesson. I asked the same set of questions I asked my friend who journeyed with me in RCIA. Expectedly, this group, too, had no answers – but they began to share with me about their personal relationship with the Holy Spirit. What they shared seemed genuine and open. For someone who did not even know Jesus, the Holy Spirit was this completely new stranger to me. They shared how the Holy Spirit speak to them, prompt them and lead them. Had this been months prior to that, I would have thought they were probably just imagining things... but at this point, I was already quite convinced that this God is a relational God... so it wasn’t surprising that the Holy Spirit is One who communicates.

Alpha Day Away (a day for building relationships and especially focusing on the Holy Spirit) was soon approaching. It was scheduled on a Saturday and would run from morning until mid afternoon. I already had a photography event planned for that Saturday afternoon, so I began to make excuses not to attend. Of course, they kept it open for me without being imposing. Again, strangely, I found a stirring inside wanting to attend the Day Away. Even more peculiar to me was that I found myself looking forward to it with an excitement I could not explain. The night before Alpha Day Away, I said a simple prayer in my own words before going to bed. In my prayer, I asked the Holy Spirit to guide me into making a decision I was facing a crossroad at that point.

The day finally came. Other than the date, 5 October 2013, I actually do not remember much of what happened. However, I remembered the Pastor speaking about the Holy Spirit. At the end of his sharing, the Pastor invited those “who would like to invite the Holy Spirit into their lives...” to say a prayer after him. Very naturally, I said the prayer and the next thing I knew, I was "considered" having accepted Christ without even intending to! I became very troubled by it, for I did not come from a Christian family background. My Alpha group leader, wanting me to be completely clear of my decision, asked if I wanted to pray with her again. I repeated the prayer after her, only to realize it was THE answer to my own prayers the night before! With that, I came to the decision voluntarily.

God left no room for ambiguity for me to even doubt His plans for me. I headed to the photography event right after, and there, unknown to me, was where I met my first cell group leader. After the event, we added each other on Facebook. Not long after, in early December, a riot took place at Little India. The following week, a few of us on the same Facebook photography group planned to do a street photography at Little India.

It was a Friday evening, and it started to drizzle. Nobody turned up in the end, except for myself and another photography enthusiast – yes, the one who eventually became my first cell group leader. Since it was drizzling, we aborted the photography plans and had dinner instead. Somewhere along our conversation, he mentioned he is a cell group leader at his church. I was probably only 1 and a half months' old of a baby Christian then, so naturally I was very excited and asked him a lot about Christianity. A week or so later, he invited me to the Christmas service at his church. At that time, I was already attending service at the church my Alpha group leader worships. However, being an excited young believer, I would not turn down any invitation to any church. Little did I know, that church, City Harvest Church, eventually became the church I remain planted in.

Fast forward to today... my journey in the Lord has been nothing short of a drawing from God Himself. My late dad told me, “You can attend church, but you do not have to believe.” Initially, I just nodded and brushed it off – but at one point, I told him, “God is so real that I cannot not believe” – not out of disrespect, but I really meant it from my heart. By then, God has been responding to the questions that were going on in my mind by directing me to 2 verses – the first one being Jeremiah 29:11, which became my “salvation verse” and later on Proverbs 3:5-6. Each of these verses He showed me thrice over different occasions, as though He knew just how blur I could get. There was absolute no room for “chances” or “coincidences”.

How could I allow my faith in Him to leak? Has He not proven Himself to be all knowing, all faithful, and all loving? How could I even allow myself to be drown in my own circumstances that I could forget that He alone is enough for me?

God was the One who drew me to Himself, paving out every step for me as I responded to Him. He sent so many angels to guide me at the beginning of my journey. My Alpha group leader gave me my first Bible. Even at my workplace, the Partner who invited me to Alpha gave me weekly Bible studies personally. The Senior Partner, whom I was working closely with on a couple of huge projects, gave me a study Bible and some other Christian books. She has always been open to share whenever I had questions. She retired about a year later but continues to be someone I regard to as my mentor even to this day. Whenever we meet, we always share about our own personal walk and encounters with God. God also provided for Christian colleagues who journeyed with me throughout Alpha – always encouraging me in my walk and rejoiced with me as they learned about my decision during Alpha Day Away. That is how amazing God is. I reconnected with my Alpha group leader just last year (God-incidentally, on Thanksgiving Day) and we shared with each other how God has come through for us all these years.

I tuned in to the weekend service for the second time today. During worship, I was drawn to the decorative piece directly above my TV, which I use to stream the service live. On it reads “Christ is the head of this house. The unseen guest at every meal. The silent listener to every conversation.” It has always been there, but somehow, today I was just particularly drawn to it.

A sister-in-Christ who was doing her silent and solitude fast today kept me in prayers – and guess what – she sent me a text with the exact same message, as the one written on the decorative piece I was drawn to this morning! That encouraged me so much, knowing that God still cares even though I grumbled and felt Him being so distant. He has been with me all along, but I was busy focusing on my problems instead of looking to Him in prayers and for wisdom. I think it is His way of drawing me back to Him and His ways.

This post is a self-reminder of my walk with God, which started from His drawing. May I never forget His lovingkindness, and that He alone is enough for me. May I never again be consumed by the cares of the world, that I lose my focus on the One who is more than able to do the impossible. When things seem overwhelming, may I always look to Him for grace and strength – for when I am weak, then I am strong (2 Corinthians 12:10).

Song of Solomon 1:4

Draw me away!

The Daughters of Jerusalem

We will run after you.

The Shulamite

The king has brought me into his chambers.

The Daughters of Jerusalem

We will be glad and rejoice in you.

We will remember your love more than wine.

The Shulamite

Rightly do they love you.